How To Get Lucky On The First Date (& why you shouldn't)

Benny Wills

Read time: 4 1/2 minutes

In the past year, I’ve shifted into the role of “men’s coach.”

In doing so, I’ve researched several men’s coaching programs. I've also watched a ton of videos of guys giving other guys advice.

A lot of men’s coaching focuses on attracting women, seducing them, getting them “to beg for more,” and so on.

It’s… cringy. There is so much terrible advice out there.

I’m happily married. My wife, Sonya, is the perfect complement to me.

But before her, I was single. For a long time.

I moved to Los Angeles in 2009, when I was 25. And I was single for the next 7 ½ years. In that time, I had many experiences and dalliances. I went on countless dates. I had my heart broken and broke a few along the way as well.

I grew up thinking I had to have several notches on my belt before settling down. Because for men in our society, "getting laid" is a priority. It's seen as a badge of honor. A rite of passage. A metric for how cool you are, or how "alpha."

But it's a trap. One that I fell right into. For way too long. And one that I encourage men (young men in particular) to avoid.

Casual sex cheapens and exploits natural, instinctual needs for companionship and reproduction.

Getting laid will not fill the vacancy in your heart. It doesn’t solve loneliness. It offers nothing more than immediate pleasure. And even that’s debatable.

I arrived in LA with a broken heart. I had just broken up with my graduate school girlfriend. I was emotionally fragile, but I thought “getting laid” would help me to heal.

Nope.

I had a few flings, but they left me feeling even worse. I missed my girlfriend, so I wanted a new one.

In retrospect, I wish I had focused my efforts on a worthy goal, one that would have moved my life forward. Rather than a girlfriend. When you're making strides and advancing your life, she appears. I know that now. And as long as you're not too chicken to talk to her, everything sorts itself out.

I digress.

I hit the Hollywood dating scene hard.

I tried the romantic route first. I was usually pretty good at conquering the initial hurdle of getting the first date. But then I would fumble. Not because I was too shy or too weird, but because I was too romantic. I was too much of a gentleman, and I came on too strong. I reeked of need.

I would take my dates out to dinner at a fancy restaurant and pay for everything. I would open doors for them. Sometimes I would even have a rose sitting on my dashboard, waiting for them when they got into my car. And I refused to kiss them at the end of the date, even if they wanted me to. I thought classiness would draw them in, but it did the opposite.

Date after date I would do this. And over and over again, I wouldn’t get a second date.

I became frustrated and discouraged. I was trying to prove that chivalry wasn't dead and failing.

I got jaded. So I decided to try a new approach.

Looking for love was exhausting, so I lowered the stakes.

I got on dating apps. OKCupid and later, Match.com. (Tinder didn't exist yet.)

And this is when I stumbled into cracking the code on “how to get laid.”

I did it by accident the first time, but it worked with 100% accuracy every time after.

Here it is. A peak behind the curtain.

(Note: I'm not proud of this.)

1. Want, don't need. This is the most important step. Make it a mantra. Talk to yourself in the mirror. Whatever you have to do to brainwash yourself into not caring if it doesn't go well. Have no stake in the outcome.
2. Meet at a bar. Preferably walking distance from home to avoid having to drive. This also makes it easy for her to leave and avoid separating after leaving the bar.
3. Buy her a drink. Drink what she drinks. Don't have a beer if she's having a cocktail.
4. Make her laugh. Don't try to impress. Just be funny.
5. Offer to buy her a second drink. If she says yes, you’re in.
6. Keep the conversation light. Don't show off, don't brag, and keep making her laugh.
7. Then, ask her if she "wants to get out of here." This is where you have options.
   • Kiss her right there in the bar. And then ask if she wants to leave.
   • Or, go for the kiss after you've left.
   • Either way, just be bold. That's the ticket.
8. Take her home. And…

That’s it. That’s the formula. No romance, no chivalry. Just alcohol and charm.

Now, it’s worth noting that if you're a fat slob, this approach will not work.

It’s cliché to say, but I stopped giving a f**k. That really was the secret.

I cracked a code that literally millions of guys wish they could. But what did it give me? Bragging rights? Sort of. But other guys usually get jealous if you tell them. Did I gain anything? No. Other than the occasional hangover and pink eye once.

I always felt empty afterwards. And even awkward the next morning if they had stayed the night.

What I wanted was love and companionship. Not meaningless sex. What was I doing?

Trying to fill the void in my life. Kidding myself into thinking I was winning some sort of game.

I wasn’t a predator. I wasn’t mistreating these women or leading them on. I also wasn’t doing it every night. Or even every week. I’m much too sensitive for that.

I would do it and then not do it for weeks or even months. But then the loneliness bug would bite, and the cycle would continue.

It wore me out. Spiritually and emotionally. And eventually it lost its appeal altogether, and I stopped.

I made peace with the possibility that I might never find love. I focused more on creative pursuits (namely, JoyCamp) and deleted the dating apps.

Then, in September 2016, I met Sonya. After I had outgrown my "meet-at-a-bar" strategy. Thank God. Because had I met her during that stretch, we wouldn’t be living out our love story like we are today. 

I used an entirely different approach with her. Devoid of both chivalry and alcohol. One that obviously worked, and one that I would highly recommend. I’ll share it soon, but not in this newsletter.

Hook-up culture is built on lies and superficiality. It puts the emphasis on all the wrong things. (The pornography juggernaut isn't helping either.)

Attracting women is easier than guys think. But sex alone is not worth the price of admission. Guys, getting laid will not make you happy.

We’re not built for it. We kid ourselves into thinking we want or even need it. But it’s just not true.

Sex is sacred and should not be taken lightly. And it's a much different experience with someone you love.

My sexual exploits added nothing of value to my life. I have no regrets, but I wasted a lot of time and energy pursuing, lusting and obsessing over women.

Don't make the same mistakes I did.

Guys, if you want some help attracting a partner, reach out.

I have one spot open in my program, The Self Reliant Way.

Click here to book a call with me today.

Much love,

Benny